Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Help only when asked to!

Jay Krieger discusses how people tend to help without being asked to. They are NOT helping by helping. People need to respect a person and help ONLY when asked to. Jay presents some real-life examples using his experiences with a deaf-blind friend.


Anonymous said...

Wonderful, Jay! Many thanks! I know exactly what you mean as I have deafblind friends, too. I've noticed deaf people tend to "help" my friend when they really don't need the help at all. "Help only when asked to, " is right. I would also think it would be okay to ask if one can help. If the answer is no, great. Just don't help unless needed. :)

Carrie Gellibrand

Anonymous said...

good topic... i was green horns with deaf-blind then... i now know what to do with them basically...

Lantana said...

Excellent topic. I heartily agree with you.

I worked alongside a HOH and legally blind teacher and occasionally she would stumble over something and fall on the floor in front of the students. When I first started working with her, and when she would fall, I thought it strange that the students did not jump up to help her. THEN, when I went to help her up, I got cussed out! Solution: She did not want anyone's help! The kids already knew!

Once in the doctor's office when I was checking in, an interpreter who happened to be sitting on the sidelines for someone else, heard my voice and jumped up asking me if I "needed help". I was truly offended, really! I am an adult and have been taking care of myself a very long time!

Thank you for bringing this up!

Lantana, Lantana's Latitude

Anonymous said...

Good points about helping someone only when asked... One thing I much dislike is when a hearing or hard of hearing friend "helps me out" by verbally telling the waiter on my behalf. I prefer to do it myself by pointing at the selected food in the menu and/or writing down anything specific. I would advise my friend to please not do that again. He learns fast. smile

People with disabilities don't either like to be helped. They will ask when they face an obstacle or problem.

~ Just Deaf

Squ65 said...

Funny you moved your friend's glass of drink ... Oops. Yeah Only if someone ask for my help then I will.

Many years ago a friend of mine who has a mild cerebral palsy fell down at the airport. The two women ran and helped him to get up. He hates it! I laughed inside because I knew he doesn't like it. He can get up himself.

jwomick said...

oh yes i never doing help UNLESS someone asked me same thing i don't need anyone help if i need help then i will ask. many time hearing friends always want help me i told them as what i did recently said. they just quiet and going on. as get usually with me already. funny EVERY TIME i hate only thing when go to Mall shopping around as i love go to HOT TOPIC or Spencer cuz i am gothic/punk that's all i interesting go in stores anyway Staffs always come to me ask me if any help i told them with ASL nah i am deaf and i look around. they just said sure ok and smiles i do that often when get in malls stores GOSH! that's so annoying but i just got usually with it. lol cuz that's their job to asked them if any need help... mostly of the time i never ask for help. few time i can't find or need know if have more items i will looking for someone staff work help if have any or more items. that's so simple. one time, somehow one girl come to me with paper towel with wrote on it "Hey, do u need my help?" i like huh? what the hell? i told her nah but thank. reason she give me paper towel cuz i was just chatting my friend at MCD stand lines waiting for next us to order some foods. gosh i feel so insult if they think we are idiot or need someone pity on us PFFT WE DON'T NEED IT! but she just nice. i don't need help anyway know what i mean? thank for bring sharing make point and advice us don't help unless someone asked to. KEEP UP WITH UR GREAT DISCUSS ISSUES! yes i like listen ur discuss about deaf-blind it's importants for us cuz deaf-blind is PART OF FAMILY DEAF! be pride! reason deafblind use asl same US! :D

Joshua "Vampbat" Womick

Susan said...

thanks for the tip, Jay.

I met deaf-blind only twice, not much experience here.

Please do share more stories if you think it'll help (yes help) us ha :)

Karen Mayes said...

Wow, it is cool to see that you enjoyed being with a blind/deaf guy, learning a lot from him so you could share with us, to help us appreciate the blind/deaf people better, as a group of productive, independent people :-)

IamMine said...

Yeah, I'm nodding with the above commenters (oh, my neck hurts from looking up there).

Getting old here, but anyway...

Oh well - I was going to help you screening those lovely and overly hands waving ladies behind the locked door that I locked so you wouldn’t get run over…

But alright, since you didn’t ask for help, I’m gonna unlock the door and you’re on your own!

*throws you the key after unlocking the door* ;)

Thanks for the tips and for opening our eyes even wider! :)

Anonymous said...

Yeah, it brings back the memories I had when I was young girl going to the Union League deaf club in NYC with my folks who are deaf and playing cards there. I was left behind so I sat with deaf and blind man. He has brother and sister who also were blind. He would tell me the stories of his past. We always played chess, yes chess games. At same time he will ask me what is going on in the clubhouse and I would tell him who came in etc. One of my mischief days, I switched the pawns, he knew I was cheating at should see how my bottom jaw dropped...he scolded me not to do that again. Some brain he has, remembered every box where his and mine are sitting on black and white box. he created the checkerboard...also the chess...with tiny screws on all white...blank for black so he knew which are his. It was some kind of memory of him. Plenty to talk about him.

Roy Collins said...


Anonymous said...

Some deaf or deaf-blind people have their PRIDE. Some of them really need help but they are so proud to prove them that they can do but sometimes they cannot do by themselves. I call DEAF pride or DEAF-BLIND pride. They do not want to swallow their pride by asking for help. They are so proud to ask for help. My perspective is very different because I had a roommate who has Usher's Syndrome. She is now deaf-blind.

Jay, I enjoy your VBlogs tremedously. Keep up the good work!!!

Sandra Goldstein

Mark said...

You can't blame anybody for being thoughtful to help. I rather be thoughtful than being an idiot waiting for someone saying,"hey don't you see me needing help?!"

It can happen either way.

Mark said...

one example before I go.. If you were on your HD bike (1100-1300) losing balance for some unknown reason, would you rather someone being thoughtful to jump in and help you push the bike upright or do you rather look around and scream for help or fall down and accept your own injury / damage to your bike? You say "help only when asked to" .. hmm

Maybe I am thinking different from my experiences helping people.

Jessica said...

Cool idea about the sign for help to cross a busy street.

I agree with Mark above. Some people feel like they are imposing on others so they don't want to ask for help. I don't think we should assume that just because they don't ask for help, that means they are fine or don't want help.

I think we should show appreciation to others who try instead of getting mad at them. They cannot read our minds. It is important that we communicate clearly with them what we can do or not. I would rather help and be cussed out than stand by and they yell at me for not being helpful enough. I have to remember that myself when people are trying to be thoughtful.

Once when I just had a baby and you know how †hat is when a mother comes home with a new baby and all, anyway, my neighbor was mowing her lawn and decided to come in and help mow our lawn for us. I thought that was a real sweet thing of her to do. She understood as she was a mother herself.

There is a story I read recently and I will try to summarize it here. Once at an airport, a pregnant woman was in a long line waiting to board a plane. She had a little toddler girl with her and the little girl were getting very tired and cranky and crying to be held up. The pregnant woman was not able to pick her up because of doctor's orders not to pick up anything due to complications related to her pregnancy. So she tried her best to comfort her the best she could and got looks from others until one kind man came by and offered to help pick up the girl and comfort her and the lady wrote that she was so grateful for his help. He went to the desk to find a way for her to get on the plane earlier so she could sit down and rest. I think he gave his seat to her but can't remember now. Anyway she wrote a story about that event and wanted to thank the man who helped her. What would have happened if the man just waited until she asked for help?

Dianrez said...

Deaf-blind people amaze me from time to time.

I was driving a deaf-blind friend home after work and just before dropping him off, told him he lived in "an interesting neighborhood" after seeing an X-rated movie house a block from his apartment building. "I know," he said, "they have a video camera in their doorway that shows what's going on inside."

"Somebody told you," I answered after a moment of surprise. "No," he said, but I didn't have time to get more of his story, as traffic was backing up, but always have wondered...

LaRonda said...

Thanks for the educational video clip, Jay. We all continue to learn great things from you. :)

~ LaRonda

Toby Welch said...

Haha! That is so true! Hearing or Deaf people tend to help other without ask if they need help. Interesting topic! Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Iwould like to comment on a previous subject. Not long ago, you had a comment to make about interpreters. The sence of your comments and then posted comments from others to that subject, mostly were negative... I would like to give my thoughtson that subject.
Some commented that , "if it wasn't for deaf, interpreters would not have a job".. a few others had a similar thought, mostly negative and dislike and disrespect for interpreters
My personal experience is this:
I started working with the deaf about 46 years ago. it was mostly in religious interpreting . My wife and I learned ASL to make it possibe for deaf members of our faith to enjoy worship along with the rest of the congregation.
We did this for over 30 years, 3 plus times a week. We had four children and taught them all to speak Sign Language since infancy.
(they joined us in religious interpretering as they skills progressed)
For the last 15 years or so, I had also added to our life, working at a major theme park in Orlando Florida. When we moved to the orlando area, there were no sign language congregations of our faith. We help to establish the first one in Kissimmee Florida. Some 7 years later, there are now about 11 established ASL congregations, and a number of "groups" that are starting out.
I have traveled extensively to other states to give lectures in ASL and have never received one penny for that. All expenses came out of our pocket.
So, it is very upsetting to read such comments by some of your readers. I have learned over the last 46 years or so, that a "spoiled" deaf child grows up to be a "spoiled adult".
Can you imagine if all the crippled or otherwise handicapped people took the same attitude toward companies that made wheelchairs? that would sound like ;" Those wheelchair people make money on me because I am crippled." No body is forcing them to get a wheelchair, if they feel that way... They can stay home, or in bed, or whatever and stare at their TV or their 4 walls all day long. But because someone made wheelchairs, they can go out and work, play, do whatever their limitations permit. the same rational applies to the deaf. If you want to struggle with misunderstandings; misdirections; and all the problems that my deaf friends go through, then so be it. You can make yourself clear, that you don't need or want their help. But, please, don't put down interpreters for being there to offer that assistance if you need it. We didn't make you deaf, but most of us, at least the terps I associate with, do want to make life more accesable for the deaf.
I have fought for deaf rights for a long time, and will continue to do so whether some deaf like it or not.. (p.s. my two grandchildren ages 8 and 15 also sign.. My son in law and daughter in law also sign. so that makes 10 of us who sign and love doing it.


Squ65 said...

Joy -- NOT JAY

I am not impressed with your attitude here. A 46 years ago, Alot of oppression out there which means Deaf are spoiled brat? NOT! Diane

mule4350 said...

Yeah DEAF-BLIND must have a good senastive on mind and still be wonderful action. Let them be!

Noah Buchholz said...

CLICK HERE for my response

BEG said...

You know, in light of all this discussion, particularly on the part of those who get all offended over the notion that their help is often unwanted and can even be hurtful, someone left this link on one of my blogs and it's really well worth a read.

In PARTICULAR, look at his discussion of the effect physical therapy had on him (the author has CP).

I am also reminded of one of my posts where I discussed interpreters, and one of the resulting comments was basically "Be nice to us, you're ****ed without us." Um.

Very thought provoking.

The Stairs Don't Go Anywhere

Kathy Hughes said...

Hi Jay. interesting!!! I had deafblind male friend. he is like a dad to me. anyway. one day, he cames to my home for the first time. I showed him around the rooms with some counts on steps and walls to know he went independently. he was on his own with us for a week after that. what ismore, He could made wooden chair and a big wooden wheel for me to remember him by and many tiny furnitures for a little house. It was amazing to watch his carpentering works. I admire him. he passed away many years ago of an old age.I will never forget him. KH

Anonymous said...

Jay's anology reminds me of a much bigger problem in the sense that if the term "deaf leadership" is really and truly an oxymoron, then the same can be said about all kinds of disability leaderships. For example the bible says that the blind cannot lead the blind and the deaf cannot lead the deaf and the lame cannot lead the lame, for all will fall into a hole. And yet here we are 21 centuries later still arguing the vicissitudes of "deaf leadership". No wonder the audist establishment members at Gallaudet and elsewhere are at a loss to understand these militant type deafia like "Plan B's" Frank Turk et. al. almost coming to campus to promote complete dissent, discord, and anarchy if Fernandes didnt step down. Hey Jay you still want to be the next 'DPN'? Don't worry, theres still plenny time left as dr devila is only serving on an interim basis we think.

michele said...

Yes there are two sides -- we should not go ahead and help people if they don't ask us, I agree with this principle but sometimes when people are in crisis, they won't ask for help, then what do we do? Some people are afraid to ask for help in fear that they would look weak or maybe be overpowered by someone who may end up making decisions for them. I am pretty sure we all have been in that situation so I wonder if it is harder for us to ask for help knowing that we are taking a risk that someone may take over and control our life?? Good discussion, Jay!

todos la vie said...

Anonymous 2:42/Joy

Interesting that the topic triggered something in you that was vLogged a while back on this blog which is still pertinent regardless. Yet you still come back here to seek our community. There’s hope for you yet. We do know what we are talking about, yes? We aren’t misdirected or misunderstood?

You wouldn’t have spent 46 years with us without us whether we liked you or not. Now think of it this way - even those in congregation have choices as to who is interpreting for them. Being able to interpret somewhere is a privilege to you alone, not to us. You made it sound like we owe you for your long years and hours a week of service and having your children and grandchildren “speak” sign language and interpret “as they progressed.” When you moved, you still provided “service” without receiving a penny, yet you are seeking redemption here. So, who is spoiled? I only need to look in the mirror to see who the devil is.

Virginia L. Beach said...

Excellent vlog, Jay - and I agree with you.

Your vlog actually prompted me to check out my own study book on this subject and post a blog at my site about "The Ethics of Help" - you can find it here:

Virginia L. Beach

Anonymous said...

Hi jay, Me from Australia,
Agreed with you . It made sense what you said about "not helping between helping" it is difference ways. Sometimes it annoys if any hearing people intefere me (deaf not blind) without ask for help.

I have met few deaf-blind people - not much experience here.